I've been robbed!

I'm about to have a breakdown. Next weekend my baby girl will be 6 months old! When did that happen and who in the world authorized it?? My sweet little baby is rolling, starting to sit unsupported, eating solid foods, laughing and interacting with people and even starting to mimick a little. And with each of these milestones I have proud mommy moments and celebrate joyously every time she accomplishes something new. There is nothing in the world like the look on her little face when she realizes she does something that she hasn't ever done before... all.by.herself. And with each milestone comes a tiny bit of heartbreak and a little bit of defeat. I'm a physical therapist. I used to be a pediatric physical therapist. I know, better than most, the general progression of infant development. While we all know it is inevitable, it stings a bit watching her grow before my very eyes so quickly.

I've been robbed. Plain and simple. All of you people with tiny babies, I'm so envious of you. My tiny baby phase lasted all but two months. And then the growth spurts took over and my 6 month old is now the size of most 9-12 month olds. That phase where they lay against your chest and pull their knees up under them and just snuggle into you... it's gone... it's been long gone. That is probably one of my favorite baby things, and it didn't last long enough at all.

I just read a blog someone else wrote about "hanging up the horns". Her reference was about putting an end to the pumping and starting to wean her child from breastfeeding. I think reading that blog put me on an emotional rollercoaster. Less than a few years ago, I used to think breastfeeding more than a few months was "weird". Before that, when in highschool, I'm sure I thought breastfeeding AT ALL was weird. And then I became a mother. I became a breastfeeding mother. And then I became a LACTAVIST! I can't have a single conversation with an expecting mom or ANYONE in that matter about babies without voicing my opinions on breastfeeding. Now the sheer thought of weaning Adalyn puts me into a slight depression. As much as I complain, DAILY, about pumping at work, I love being able to supply nothing buy mama's milk for her while I am away during work time. I do want to breastfeed past one year.... you can give me dirty looks, you can call me what you want, you can talk behind my back, you can do whatever you please... its my daughter and I'm going to do whats best for US! If that's the single last thread of "baby-ism" I can cling to, you can bet I'm going to. My favorite moments and memories with her are our times together nursing, whether its during the day and she is looking up and smiling at me between gulps, twirling my hair or touching my face while she eats, or if its at night when we are lying in bed together snuggled up close and she is eating and slowly drifting back to sleep.

And in 6 months... I'm just not going to be ready to give that all up.